"Mom, dad, I need to talk to you." Many parents have heard these words from their son or daughter. Just the tone the child uses, the timbre of their voice, the hesitation, sends your parental red flags flying. Perhaps your son or daughter asks you to sit quietly, asking you not to interrupt, or in some other way pleads with you for prior restraint. It may be something you've long suspected, or it may come like a bolt out of the blue. In any case, when a child comes out to a parent, announces that he or she is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender the discussion is almost always filled with tension, fraught with potential for anger, and can be a veritable minefield of emotion.
It doesn't have to be. Here are a few tips for handling this encounter, ways to emerge from the announcement even stronger and closer to your child then ever before.
1 Recognize that the child has likely agonized over the need to tell you, perhaps for years. Despite current emerging evidence, and increasing acceptance of homosexuality as a status of birth, and not a disease or condition, there's still hesitation to discuss it openly in this society. But the hard truth is, that scientific evidence supports the belief that homosexuality is a naturally occurring status, much like left-handedness, green eyes, or other attributes we're born with. As difficult as it may be for some parents to adjust to the fact that their child is homosexual, remember, they're still your child. This is not a bad thing, or a defect. It's who they are. They need for you to listen and hear them out.
2 Your reaction to the announcement is critically important to your son or daughter. This is no time to judge, berate or diminish their feelings. Keep this in mind: It's not about you. Not to belabor the point, but you need to treat this as the serious occasion it is; children have been known to injure or even kill themselves because a parent or guardian dismissed their attempt to share this part of who they are.
3 If you feel a temptation to judge, or belittle their news in any way, turn that emotion around by putting yourself on their side. Imagine the relief they'll feel when, instead of acting disappointed or judgmental, you simply hug them, tell them you love them, and ask what you can do for them. Thank your child for sharing their news with you, and tell them you're proud of them. After all, this is nothing to be ashamed of; it's simply a truth that applies to them, another aspect of who they are. Further, try to avoid the attitude of tolerance. This may sound contradictory; it's not. Tolerance indicates a vague sense of arrogant dismissal. To 'tolerate' someone, is to 'allow' them to be who they are, as if our allowance was sought, or needed. The attitude we should strive for is acceptance.
4 If they're of any age to discuss this topic with you, treat them like an adult. Don't ask if they're sure, or if they've given it some thought, or if they'll reconsider. They've likely thought about telling you for a long time, but didn't know how, or when. Don't condescend. Homosexuality isn't a choice, a preference, or a 'lifestyle'. It describes a sexual orientation, nothing more. It isn't indicative of some deviant trait, vulnerability to disease, preoccupation with sex, or predilection toward some antisocial behavior. It's much like heterosexuality; it's who you, the parents, are, most likely.
5 Speaking of which, whatever you do if your child comes out to you, don't react in such a negative way that says it's your, or anyone else's 'fault'. It's no one's fault, any more than your gender orientation is someone's 'fault'. There's nothing broken here; this is part of being human, and instead of being mourned or regretted, it should be celebrated for the evidence of diversity that it is. Think of it this way: By coming out to you, your child has told you that they're among the most generous and most genuine of people; they've told you that they're capable of love, the most beautiful of all human traits. Congratulate yourselves; you've raised them well.
And perhaps that's the best lesson to take away from the event. When your child comes out to you, announces that they're homosexual, take it for the message it contains: You've taught them well; you've taught them to love. And in the final analysis, it's not important who we love; it's important 'that' we love. Acceptance of this truth makes all the rest part of a larger, universal truth. In the end, what we are is human. The rest is decoration.
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